“Aren’t You Lucky to Have Decisions”: What It Means For Women to Have a Choice
When I was watching Mad Men this past Sunday, the scene that resonated most with me was between Peggy Olsen and her boss Ted Chaough. For those of you who don’t watch Mad Men (spoiler alert, I guess), Peggy, who is single, and Ted, who is a married father, had an affair. Ted claimed to be in love with Peggy. Ted went so far as to follow her home because he didn’t want anyone else to have her. Ted claimed he was leaving his wife. And then, he changed his mind. He decided to stay with his wife and family and move far away. And Ted tried to console Peggy by saying in the most entitled way possible, “Someday you’ll be glad I made this decision.” To her credit, Peggy spat back, “Well aren’t you lucky to have decisions,” succinctly summing up what the problem for women was then, and what it continues to be now, 45 years later. That’s the thing for Ted, and by extension, all privileged white men, they have choices. They get to do things like stalk a woman that they like and wait outside her apartment (as Ted does) and tell this woman “I’m going to leave my wife.” And even when Peggy tells Ted, “Don’t say that. I’m not that kind of girl,” he has already effectively taken away her choice by aggressively pursuing her and making promises to her that he has no problem rescinding later on. And perhaps, if Ted were presented as a Lothario or some kind of sociopath, this would be understandable. But instead, Ted is a nice guy. The message here is that even the nicest guys don’t really give a fuck about the women around them—not the women they’re married to, and not the ones with whom they’re having destructive affairs.
And, so that Awl interview. In it, Ken Hoinsky tries to explain that he has no desire to promote rape culture, only to give “lonely guys who want to learn how to ‘become awesome’ with women” a chance. So, what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with Hoinsky advising men to back off from their sexual advances if a woman says no, by saying, “No problem. I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with?” Well, if that was all that he advised, then it wouldn’t be a problem. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with recommending a certain level of persistence in attempting to forge a romantic connection, and as long as the man (both parties really) understand that no means no, and is not an invitation to try harder, then I guess a “seduction manual” would not be such a big deal. But that is not all the Ken Hoinsky recommends. Not at all.
Hoinsky goes on to suggest that “if a woman isn’t comfortable, take a break and try again later” and that “even when a girl rejects your advances, she KNOWS that you desire her. That’s hot. It arouses her physically and psychologically.” Unless, you know, it doesn’t. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been aggressively hit on by a stranger in a manner that is both unwanted and, frequently, scary. The fact is, when Hoinsky says that a woman will appreciate that a man “desire[s] her” what he is conveniently forgetting is that not every woman wants to be viewed as just an object to be pursued, and that it’s a pretty good indicator that an individual woman does not want to be “seduced” when that woman rejects a man’s advances. But instead of advising men to respect that a woman says no, Hoinsky tells them to press on. Are there times when women reject men with whom they might possibly want some kind of future assignation? Sure. I guess so. But maybe, instead of men continuing to bother these women, the better advice would be to let the women themselves make the choice of what they want to happen next. By taking away a woman’s agency by assuming that “no” means “try harder,” Hoinsky exploits the archaic idea that women don’t really know what they want until a man tells them what is best for them. Just like Ted assures Peggy that she’ll be happy with his decision later, and just like our elected officials feel like they know what’s best for women’s bodies better than women know themselves, Hoinsky’s assurance to his followers that they should pursue women aggressively despite being rejected is an insult to all women’s intelligence and agency in making their own choices. And that is a trend that needs to change. Everyone should be lucky enough to make their own decisions.
Update: Democratic Texas state senator Wendy Davis started filibustering the abortion bill at 11:18 this morning. According to CBS News, in order to successfully filibuster the bill, Davis “must keep speaking on the bill until midnight…must speak continuously—and stay on topic—the entire time. She is not allowed to lean against something for support. And she will not be able to stop or take a break, not even for meals or the restroom, during the entire 13-hour ordeal.” CBS further reports that “Before Davis began speaking, her chair was removed.” I, along with the hundreds of activists who are at the Texas Senate, wish Davis the best of luck.
Update: Wendy Davis filibustered the hell out of that bill! Read about it here.
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